From next month if you work in the Melbourne CBD there will be a new more efficient method to deliver sugar directly into your system short of using a syringe.
That’s right folks the latest success story in the franchise of death, the appalling Krispy Kreme fast food store, is opening on Collins Street on 26 September.
If you are not sure on the facts on sugar and fat in food, I can assure you that will kill you with more certainty than heroine and is second only to tobacco in its mortality rate.
Notice I don’t use the word doughnut. This product has everything to do with sugar and nothing about dough. In fact, what Krispy Krap passes for dough does not even contain yeast.
If you do find yourself tempted, go out and buy an apple. Or if you really have to have one I reprint my emergency checklist here:
1. Remember KK is a big franchise run only for profit by rich moneymen in Australia.
2. Walk on by. If in urgent need for doughnuts they can be bought at any number of smaller locally owned outfits.
3. If hunger pangs persist, immediately visit any local baker such as Browns, Laurent, Il Fornaio or Baker D Chirico to taste what a real doughnut.
4. If late at night visit any of Melbourne’s tapas bars for excellent Spanish doughnuts or churros, which are often served with a thick dark chocolate dipping sauce. Try in the CBD Movida, St Kilda, the new look Spuntino or Basque Tapas & Wine on Chapel St.
5. If drunk, think kebab. Stoned: pizza. Although you probably won’t care at this stage and hopefully won’t remember any offending KK doughnuts in the morning.
6. If really desperate: BREAK GLASS!
NB: Espresso at KK isn’t bad.
Become a Facebook fan. Follow me on Twitter. 
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh dear. I can see the girls at work salivating over this news already.
As for doughnuts. Meh. I only like those little Italian ones that I get at the Vic Markets :/ KK – overrated. Wouldn’t mind a Beard Papa chain opening here though, just to see what all the commotion is about!
Come on Tomato. Mouth feel and post-ingestion sugar rush more than compensate for not yeast in the dough. But why do they spell donut correctly???
Poor Melbourne. We’ve already suffered the indignity of it in Sydney. I have sampled the beast (a freebie, quarter of one) and totally agree. They’re disgusting. I have never put so much as a cent into the pockets of those monsters. I reckon they should tax them like tobacco and alcohol.
Ellie, Beard papa sounds good but I’m sure simply give the same temprary hight of the old KK.
And that’s the thing Food Kitty, although I will admit at firstthe crisp coating of the doughnut is satisfying, the low that comes after the sugar high is not.You are right, it is straneg that they spell it correctly.
DrReb we shall survive. But possibly only with increased intake of alcohol and cigarettes
Let me start by saying, I enjoy reading your blog and you have some good thoughts.
That said, if a KK were served in one of the nice restaurants that you visit such as a tapas restaurant, you would be gushing all over it.
And your comment about KK being owned by rich moneymen. Well duh, most sucessful businesses whether in the food industry or not are most likely owned by rich moneymen.
You need to step down off the pedestal every once in a while.
Keep up the good work!
Hi Neil, It’s great to get a debate going and that’s the point. I’m not going to step down because fast food is the next tobacco and people should know about that. KK is simply a cynical attempt to make money from a very very unhealthy product and the way they sell them is in really big boxes rather than the occasional one. I find it difficult to find any redeeming qualities apart from an acceptable espresso. That’s my point/campaign.
Sure fast food is not good for you but is a nice restaurant serving Ricota Gnocchi with Pumpkin sauce any worse. There will be unhealthy things to eat whereever you choose to dine. How about all the restaurants on Lygon St? Italian food is mostly pasta, cheese, and pizza. One could say that its the Italians cynical attempt to make money from an unhealthy product.
You can get appetizer or main portions of meals in many restaurants. An appetizer size is probably what people should be eating and a main size is bigger than what people should be eating.
You can get individual donuts from KK. Im originally from the US and I remember getting donuts at various places (mostly Dunkin Donuts). Sure you can get one but most people get a box and share it with others. Look at any tv show where there is coffee and there are a box of donuts next to it. This is traditionally how donuts are eaten in the US and thus why KK sells them like they do.
True Neil and believe me it was similar italian joints that killed my father at the age of 47. I’ll admit that the initial crunch of the sugar from a KK donut has a pleasant mouth feel but afterwards the actual dough – if you can call it that – isn’t very nice. I spend a lot of money each year on food and drink – tens of thousands – and it is my choice whether or not to support big business or the likes of Ronnie di Stasio et al. Given the choice I’d suport the latter. I’m interested in keeping diversity on our streets. Just look how chains have ruined or High Streets. So in a similar way I tend to avoid Starbucks, Gloria Jeans and Hudsons.
i wish i could say that i hate krispy kremes, but i just adore them. i have always thought that donuts in australia are too heavy, dry and cakey. american style donuts are very light and moist (probably due to the ridiculously high fat content). regardless, i love the texture of american donuts and unfortunately krispy kreme are the only wide spread shop selling this style in australia. apart from italian style ciambelle, i haven’t found any donuts in australia that live up to KKs.
Anna, you are right and when I lived in the inner west I couldn’t even find a bloody doughnut and was forced to slum it in Victoire. You should come down to Melbourne and try the Baker D Chirico doughnut, feather light, dustd with crystal meth and stuffed with just the right amount of their own custard mae with proper vanilla beans. Now they are dangerous.
Ha! A KK actually closed near my parents’ house, and my dad still misses their cheap-but-tasty coffee.
Also, churros – yum!
Maxims and Breadtop will fit the bill very nicely for me thank you. I still like going to Maxims for the coconut buns and Breadtop to use the little trays and tongs.
I haven’t tried the coconut buns. Will do.