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DJs: “Pitted olives is that?”
Tomato:“Oh, yes that’s a wonderful idea. Pitted olives. Oh, but could you hold on the dental work?”
DJs:“Excuse me sir?”
Tomato: “I’d like that without $5,000 of dental work, please.”
DJs: “I don’t understand.”
Tomato: “It’s quite simple really. Each batch of pitted olives I buy from you features fully fledged olives complete with stones. I bit into what I assume to be a pitted olive and cracked a tooth. Kerching! The dentist wins. To be honest I’d prefer the compensation.”
Yes, an old olive injury is playing up. Naturally, my complaints to store management resulted in zilch. This is the third crown thanks to the really badly pitted olives at what was once the David Jones Foodstore on Fitzroy Street, St Kilda.
The only good to come out of this is the fact that I’m having yet another gold cap installed which, of course, builds my cred when I visit me yardie mates back in Brixton.
These tough gangster rapper looks don’t seem to stop me being mugged by dentists although it has stopped any delis trying to push those dodgy olives on me. I’ll be back with me yardie mates. Innit.
Food Fascist
Stores I won’t visit again:
David Jones. The way I see it I’m owed over five grand. Their loss on Paul Smith suits et.c. Winner: Henry Bucks where I shall buy my next thick chalk striped suit. Plus Henry Bucks offers free alterations for the lifetime of, I believe, all suits. This is the kind of old-fashioned service I like.
Anything to do with Harvey Norman, especially Harvey Norman Renovations. For refusing to return my $2,000 plus deposit after I realised the down-draught extraction system would be next to useless. Hats off to the Victorian Civil and Administrative Tribunal for ruling against them. Also they refused to exchange my mate’s TV set which wouldn’t fit into his shelf unit. Wankers. Winners: Qasair who supplied my excellent twin turbocharged extraction system. Ikea for their cheap and excellent kitchen cabinets.
Coles. The supermarket that took months to compensate me for the designer linen shirt that tore on a sharp piece of metal that shouldn’t have been there. Oh, and let’s not mention the dodgy indestructible tomatoes they push. Winner: Prahran market.
The Wishlist website. For really poor service when a gift voucher purchase goes wrong. Cost me money. I’d like to cost them more.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
You seem to be a joyeous wonderful person that should have a tattoo on your forehead “Refuse entry”
Actually, I am joyeous despite sitting here in a cold damp wet suit with some used oilet paper in my hair. No need for the refuse entry though as you may have gathered i won’t be returning to these kind of places.
wether you return to the same retailers or a new unsuspecting premisies - the message should be the same. These bsuinesses should be warned:- a little advice for you. you ripped your shirt? watch where you walk dickhead! your friends TV doesnt fit? measure it first moron! You found pits in your unpitted olives? shut your mouth, why return and at like a tool to the counter clerk? you dont like the tomato’s at coles? go and buy them from the nice fruit shop down the road!(they may even have a wet patch on the floor you could slip on
It is really sad that you work for Harvey Norman up in Quuensland. Why don’t you reveal yourself you coward. There is no excuse for poor service and so I recommend to my readers to avoid these places. Now just fuck off.
I thought of this post when I bit into some organic olive bread I bought from Vic Market yesterday - first mouthful - bit straight into an olive pit. I found 4 in a medium sized loaf! No obvious damage - that was done years before due to a seed in some wonderful raspberry jam.
Nice to see the Food Fascist back and judging by the look of things as controversial as ever!
AOF, perhaps it was raspberries that started all this. that’s it i will boycott all summer fruits.
Neil, the only probem is holding the fascist back.