The five step method to sourcing and not quite preparing snails

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Why is it when you need a snail and you just can’t find a single one? I know they are out there because they are eating my mail and I’ve found dozens before in my sorrel.
But my attempts to collect them, fatten them, clean all the crap out of them, photograph them and eat them have come to nothing.
And that is why I don’t even have a photo of a snail here and I’ve been eating French imports in tins (which most restaurants seem to use). I’m going to pay a visit to Wangara Game and Poultry in Kensington buy frozen shelled ones from NSW for $11.60 a dozen from Wangara.
If you are adventurous the minimum order for live ones is 10 dozen. I say adventurous as I don’t want 120 of the sneaky little blighters escaping into my kitchen.
And they will. My mother is full of tales of escaped snails rampaging through her pantry in the Canary Islands. And it appears closer to home Nick (whose nose knows) has been on the raw end of a snail break-out.
It turns out the Polish lady that bred and sold them down here in Victoria has stopped breeding snails. Now most Australian snails come from Orange where there are nearly 1,000,000 head or the Hunter Valley in NSW. I believe there is another farm in Toodyay in WA.
I can’t quite see why anybody would go to the effort of killing snails when they could be eaten. I guess the thing to look out for is that you have collected the correct snail, the Helix Aspersa, which is the common garden snail and has been sliming Australia for over one hundred years.

The complete guide to not quite preparing snails

1. Collect snails. I was going to put them a large gallon mineral water container for the purpose but apparently I need a wooden box. Luckily I have a large one from a cheese delivery.

2. Feed the snails for a week or so on bran or oats to clear out all the noxious chemicals from the junk mail they have been eating. some people will feed them herbs for flavour.

3. Starve them. (This is getting cruel)

4. This is an unsavoury bit that is making me feel a bit sick. You can check out what to do here where they are also eating worms but I think I’m going to buy a packet of frozen ones.

5. Er, that’s it.

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