I recently had a non-brush with death while eating what turned out not to be my last meal.
It made me think of all the meals I’d wasted. A bad meal is a wasted eating opportunity.
Here, with a little help from my blogging and Twitter friends, are some tips on the food and drink best avoided.
I’ll be updating as more come in. And please add to the list in comments.
Or, why not publish your own list and make it a meme, linking back here.
1. Andouillette. Basically French for a pig’s arsehole wrapped into a sausage and tasting like urine. Great.
2. Tarantula. Yeah, I’ll swallow a fly, eat a green ant but these are massive hairy buggers. They look revolting and they are. Break them open and brown and white gunk oozes out. Amazingly, there is a village in Cambodia (video) that survives on the edible tarantula trade.
3. Fugu. Not only does the fish look revolting but it is. Go out to eat a whole one and they’ll give you a soup with it’s penis in it. Yuk.
4. Jellyfish. “It’s all about the texture”. Right.
5. Tripe. All those foodies who “love it”. They’re talking tripe.
6. Eyeballs. You can’t swallow them hole so you have to bite in to a revolting jelly texture. Just when you think it’s over you bite into the lens. See Jellyfish.
7. Any penis. I’ll eat Coq (preferable au vin) but not cock. First, because I’ll probably be charged a fortune for it. Second, because I can think of nothing worse yet there is a restaurant that serving nothing but penis in Beijing.
8. Dunkin’s Donuts. Horrible dough rings with the texture of plastic supermarket bread. And with all that sugar a recipe for obesity.
9. Chicken McNuggets. I should know about these as I was once addicted to the, “Your usual, sir,” they’d say at my local Maccas. Why on earth would anybody want to eat reconsituted meat and what was I thinking?
10. Koala. Not because it is a protected species. I love to eat protected species, coconut crabs being a case in point. It’s that they have chlymadia, the disease that killed our beloved Sam. The last thing I need is a dose of that.
11. Giant oysters. Big, salty and a little too chewy, you certainly don’t want to put one in your mouth whole.
12. Sweetcorn. It comes out whole. Bugger!
13. Crunchy Nut cornflakes. Given the choice between these sugar-coated crispy flakes and crack cocaine take the latter. Crack cocaine is easier to quit, is slimming and isn’t a slippery road to reality TV, the Biggest Loser being a case in point.
14. Breakfast cereal in general. Or is the words of writer and food activist Michael Pollen “anything your grandmother wouldn’t recognise”.
15. Anything from the Four Ingredients Cookbook. Plainly anyone who would marinate a chicken breast in fruit yoghurt with parmesan and then dip it in crushed cornflakes before pan frying has no taste. Oh, they sold 97 million copies of their crappy book.
16. Glaswegan food. Deep fried mars bar, Ice cream and pizza. Do you really want to die young?
17. Icelandic fermented shark. Even Anthony Bourdain won’t eat it and he’s eaten a lot of shit over the years.
18. Witchety grubs. Bite into them and they pop like a giant zit although the texture is mango like.
19. Anything in Geelong. It’s probably been bought from a large catering supplier, frozen and them deep fried in rancid oil.
20. Mastic. Basically it’s what builders fills holes with. Why eat it?
21. Verjuice. Instead of wine in cooking? Take a swig and it’s horrible plus alcohol free. I’d prefer to use NZ sauvignon blanc rather than verjuice.
22. Talking of New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. Cats piss!
23. Anything manufactured with truffle in it. I mean Truffle honey, truffle mustard etc.
24. Truffle oil. It’s a synthesized chemical. Duh!
25. Cottage cheese with sun dried tomatoes in it. Actually, anything with sun dried tomatoes in it.
26. Wild hibiscus flowers in syrup. “…best served with friends, a romantic partner and a special occasion. Place a whole Wild Hibiscus Flower in the bottom of your Champagne flute, pour some of the Crimson Syrup in on top and fill up with Champagne!” Why oh why?
27. Whisps of foam. You are not Ferran Adria.
28. Extruded chocolate mouse made with some strange gel, especially when served with dags of “soil” crumbled nearby.
29. Cow’s lips. This picture speaks for itself.
30. Italian horse stew. My super popular Twitter friend Carmel says it looks like turd and she’s right.
31. Seahorse kebabs.
32. Sperm. That’s whale, dolphin or human for that matter.
33. Flavoured olive oils (apart from lemon). They are just wrong.
34. Anything factory farmed and injected with growth hormones.
35. Any cake made from packet mix. How difficult is it to mix flour, sugar, butter and an egg?
36. Precooked prawns and lobsters. Rubbery.
37. Pre-shucked Oysters. Like revenge, oysters are best served fresh.
38. Dolphin, I am told not for the taste, but environmental reasons.
39. Bluefin tuna and most other fish. Because they are endangered
40. Beef, especially grain fed. Because the impact on the environment is greater than a humvee.
41. Cheap wine. If it’s under $10 there is a good chance it takes 400 litres of water to make a bottle. Not to mention the hangover.
42. Huge gritty snails in Vietnam arranged like an armour plated croquembouche.
Some excellent additions from the excellent Once a Waitress who I hope she doesn’t mind me grabbing her words and reconstituting them without asking properly):
43. Anything that comes in a bucket. Nothing says “glutton” like a bucket of food,
44. Anything describes as Melty. Melt is not a noun. A melt is a wagon of spin to make toasted sandwiches seem fancy.
45. I also have serious issues with the following terms: log, basket, parcel, triangle and strip. It makes me wonder that these food items could use a bit of marketing pizazz.
46. Useless claims of “organic” as a marketing ploy also spring to mind. Sure, eat all the organic sugar you want, it is still sugar.
47. Anything “Cooked to Perfection”.
And from Twitters:
48. Avoid spam. and tripe (yep, got tripe). Lunaraven13
49. Chokoes. Avoid them at all costs. LucyNourishMe
50. Milk skin pancakes. Stokehouse
51. Definitely Balut. You have to go to Manila to avoid it, but still. Do Not Eat! LittleMissLotus
52. Mountain dew or chitterlings (chitlins) Sugadeaux (see Andouilette)
53. Muesli of any kind blues_junkie
54. Perhaps any iterations of whole chicken-in-a-can should make the list? Jon MacDonald
55. Anything from This is why you are fat. Fennb
56. Bush oysters Sweet Libertine
57. Everything from Gloria Jeans Daniel Clifton
58. Breadfruit Felixosaurus
59. Taro. life’s too short. Felixexplody Also Deep-fried taro. Phil_Lees
60. Natto! That stuff is scary & smells worse than durian! _mel_
61. Drink to avoid: kava (like drinking dirt!) _mel_
62. I love Viet food, but while there ate soup best described as ‘mucous soup’. Pretty sure it was gourd of some kind. Pretty sure. Rachael Lonergan
63. Ox Tongue Ice Cream (Japan) Wine and Food Tube
64. McVities delicious digestive biscuits made with monkey-slaughtering palm oil 
Crazybrave (Bugger! I love those biscuits)
65. Green chartreuse needs to be avoided Pete Dillon
66. The new cheesy vegemite and anything in a box with cheese Pete Dillon (I’ve disagreed on Cauliflower here)
67. I’d avoid seafood “highlighter” MysecondHelping seafood extender also from YoungMel (I disagreed with Junket; the acceptable face of what cows innards can do)
68. Yak butter MysecondHelping
69. Casu Marzu MysecondHelping … also known as maggot cheese…mmm Wine and Food tube
70. Palm wine. Phil_Lees
71. Intestinal worms. Phil_Lees
72. Primates. Phil_Lees
73. Muttonbirds Aka sooty shearwater best cooked outdoors or in a house you are vacating Pat Churchill
74. KFC Silverbeet
75. Plastic-wrapped cheese slices Silverbeet
76. Fish who commit suicide by jumping out of fishtank Silverbeet
77. Leftovers more than one week old Silverbeet
78. Tinned soup. Silverbeet
79. Bitter melon cloudcontrol
80. Durian cake cloudcontrol
81. Deb dehydrated potato mash YoungMel
82. Tinned fish or meat – tuna, salmon ham in tins, travesties of diabolical proportions. Pete Dillon
83. Seal flipper pie (eaten in Canada) YoungMel
84. Rooster’s testicals YoungMel
85. Anything served to you in a plane. Noodlesue
86. Food that is shaped like smily faces, goldfish or pirates. Noodlesue Any vegetable cut into a flower or small animal shape. Stokehouse
87. Deer placenta YoungMel
88. Easter egg chocolate. Why eat chocolate with extra agents to keep it in a hideous shape when you could, say, NOT! Felixexplody
89. Roadkill of any kind – there was a Masterchef contestant who cooked part of an animal he’d hit on the way, nice YoungMel
90. Slugs, even at Slugfest KitchenMage
91. Those Laotian tinned silk worm pupae you brought to the inaugural Bloggers Banquet? Bleeuch!! Stickifingers
92. Fish head ice cream… Anything seen on Bizzare Foods… LittleMissLotus
93. Chicken Paste. Spreadable chicken from a jar. European thing. Gross. 30dollardate
94. Spack filler aka Kraft’s big blue box of processed plastic cheese Stickifingers
95 Ortolan Stickifingers
96. Frozen “wood fired” pizza and the whole sub-class of shit frozen food products (pancakes FFS)… Our man in Canberra
97. Camel? Very dry and stringy… I wouldn’t recommend it. MelbourneBitter
99. Anyone attempting to do el bulli (see foam above) or Noma dishes. Stokehouse
100. Anything savoury that can be dispensed through a soft-serve machine. Exhibit A hannahbabble
101. Pate with aspic, anything with aspic. NotQuiteNigella
102. Pigs trotters from a tin from a dodgy supermercado in Xabia, Spain. The only thing that has ever made me instantly want to hurl. canuckskickarse
103. Anything from a bain marie. hannahbabble
104. snail caviar is pretty bad (had in london) c_gullet
105. Greasy mongolian lamb, honey chicken, sweet+ sour pork + chow mein from westie chinese restaurants or slum food courts Citrus and candy
106. Coagulated pigs placenta (thailand) c_gullet
107. Slow cooked Loris Phil_Lees
108. I do not recommend fat juicy cockroaches. especially those in Beijing… Jeroxie
109. I would not eat gruel again Stephano Manfredi
110. Surströmming is fermented tinned fish which is so foul that it is mostly eaten outdoors due to the stench Wine and Food Tube
111. Guineapig BronMarshall
112. spiced ham…gelantenous gristle infused with questionable flavours that don’t range near spicy or edible. Suziewong
113. Deep fried crickets nataschamirosch
114. Cadbury creme eggs. If you’re not already a diabetic you will be after eating one nataschamirosch
115. Coloured popcorn nataschamirosch
116. Pig’s fallopian tubes Forager
117. Chicha – Peruvian maize liquor fermented by mouth (chewed by locals spat out & femented) Forager
118. tibetan butter tea nataschamirosch
119. strawberry ‘Quik’ nataschamirosch
120. Dairy free tofu ‘cheese’ RiversMelbourne
121. Fried rabbits heads. Popular bar snack in Sichuan province China KarenmareeG
122. Cheap supermarket Sausages Kiwi in Oz
123. Glacé cherries Kiwi in Oz
124. Cheese Wizz. American cheese in a can. Aerated cheese. nataschamirosch
125. Unboiled, rehydrated kidneys beans – that includes slow low temperature cooked – because they are highly toxic Silverbeet
126. Supermarket deli coleslaw Silverbeet
127. Burgers rings Silverbeet
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“19. Anything in Geelong. It’s probably been bought from a large catering supplier, frozen and them deep fried in rancid oil.”
Hahah – That’s the first time I’ve been unfortunate enough to have to think of Geelong in a while. Oh, that sweet, sweet bypass….
I would like to confess to buying a copy of the “4 Ingredients” book. It was for my favourite aunty’s birthday (today! Happy Birthday Tiser!) and I told them in the shop it wasn’t for me.
WHAT! 22.! New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc is cat’s piss! that’s ridiculous! Marlborough produces fantastic Sauvignon Blanc doesn’t it? Sweetcorn and Chicken McNuggets … they shouldn’t be on this list as well compared to the others.
An entire KFC family pack. That much deep fried goodness is not only impossible to eat, it is seriously dangerous for your heart.
Oh Ed. I am but a giddy schoolgirl (he said I was excellent!). Great post. I agree with all of the above.
Another one for your list…..Not that I’ve done it, but HUMAN placenta…..ewww!
“Medium-rare” salmon. What is the art to cooking half raw fish? What happened to fish cookery?
human placenta – I think there is a form of it in chinese medication? but yes. ewww!!
fish head ice cream – that is revolting!
The majority of products my employer makes packaging for……Processed and sliced ham, salami, ‘polony/strass/devon/luncheon/whateveryoucallit….pre-sliced plastic cheese etc etc.
I never LOL or write LOL but I literally LOL’ed at this so I think this deserves the first ever make Mel LOL and write LOL award.
No more words required. Simply too genius.
I am shocked and appalled that you’d put Dunkin’ Donuts on the list and not Krispy Kreme Donuts!
I think one KK donut does more bodily damage than one pack of smokes. It’s like biting into amoebic sponges of putrid foul cooking oil and the festy coating they leave on the back of your throat is nauseating. I nearly hurled at a shopping centre while walking simply because I couldn’t rid my mouth of the vomit tasting furry feeling that one fatal KK donut left. Dunkin’ Donuts may be plastic fantastic but at least they don’t feel and taste like eating something that you find between your toes.
Speaking of crimes against cooking…4 Ingredients cookbook…I feel sorry for the children and families who have suffer it.
Good gawd.
It’s getting worse…
What about fettucine with chicken and avocado?
I’m a little disappointed tripe and jellyfish are on the list. I <3 them both… not together, of course. That would be perverse.
Mass produced lager – Fosters, XXXX, Harp, VB and the likes. Oh and Liebfraumilch (do folks still drink that stuff?)
Just read through the whole list – great job in putting it together! Had a good laugh at a lot of them, and a few of them I have been guilty of eating. I saw that picture of the cow’s lips when you posted it on Twitter a while back and was totally grossed out.
I’m still grossed out now thinking about it!
i should have known not to click on the link of the cow’s lips picture. eergh! i think i just saw my appetite fly out the window with that gory pic yuk!
How about……curried sausages…yuk…or hot chips covered in gravy….double yuk.
what about:
retsina, egg white omlette, tang, pasta from a lygon street restaurant, anything from a lygon street restaurant – (the city end of carlton), chai, mustard ice-cream and definately #22 Simon – bloody SB!!!!
cheerio
I completely disagree with #14 which is breakfast cereals. I agree many cereals have little nutritional content, but the ones I receive from Serial Cereals are very good and made with quality ingredients.
When I was little my Chinese grandmother used to give us ’sea cucumber’ to eat, which we hated; it had a horrible texture and taste. We hated it even more when we found out it was actually sea slug.
I don’t ‘get’ escargots(snails) despite numerous trials, they just spoil good garlic and parsley butter with a soil tasting snot of soft rubber.
I only got to number 6 when I realised whoever wrote this hadn’t possibly eaten any of the items the way they were intended. Waste of an article and if it was you Ed, you can do better.
You won’t need to go further than Footscray market to avoid eating Balut – saw it for sale there a couple of weeks ago….
It’s truly frightening how some of these items are still on the shelves. Surely the taste police would have locked them up and arrested them?
someone will cane me but I FN hate anchovies.
fish just are not meant to be hairy.
Kava is amazing, whoever wrote that must be like 14.