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They say if you leave a monkey on a typewriter for long enough they will produce the works of Shakespeare.

Similarly if you leave a human being on a espresso machine for long enough and it will eventually produce a decent extraction. The problem is that there is no consistency.

Such is the case at Tre Bicchieri, which came highly recommended from the Rathdowne Cellars (highly recomended for Spanish wine and sherry) newsletter. I suppose they are neighbours on Rathdowne Street - what can you expect?.

The first problem with Tre Bicchieri  is the cafe itself. The haughty staff give no indication that you have to physically get up and order from the counter. They are quite happy to leave you sitting there.

The second problem is the coffee. The full fat milk version arrived about ten minutes before the (no, I don’t approve) low fat.

The third is the over extraction of the coffee. Jak calls this tasting burnt. What it means is that either the group is too hot, filled with too much coffee, left to extract the flavour for too long or a permutation of all three. The aftertaste was really nasty and I have now resolved to return all overextracted coffee as I should have done on this day.

While I’m at this I may as well keep kicking - I don’t reackon Tre Bicchieri’s custard filled pastries. They are far to sickly sweet.

Popularity: 21% [?]

Meanwhile on the Cappuccino Coast  the Geelong Advertiser is still frothed-up in the absurd coffee-gate (their words not mine).

“Councillor Shane Dowling said the idea for duelling baristas on the waterfront could become a permanent feature of the Geelong event calendar…. 

The comments sparked a storm, with noted Melbourne food writer Stephen Downes leaping to the defence of the local caffeine creations. And the debate continued yesterday with online discussion groups and food blogs from as far away as Sydney discussing the coffee clash.”

Popularity: 7% [?]

The Geelong Advertiser found itself at the centre of a storm in a very hot coffee cup yesterday after Geelong-Otway tourism supremo Roger Grant came out calling for a better quality of caffeine beverages across the city. He said: “Why can’t we be known as the the cappuccino coast?”

Popularity: 7% [?]

We are a coffee granule free zone. But I do have half a kilo of some stuff that passed out of a Weasel’s backside. At least in Vietnam they call it weasel. It is a civet and the beans are poohed out, it having eaten the coffee berries. Some poor bugger collects the droppings and (hopefully) washes them before roasting. It makes a very, very dark coloured bean and a very strong dark coffee. J says it even tastes of poo.
I don’t know why we should become all uptight at drinking weasel poo coffee. After all there isn’t actually any poo in the grind (again hopefully).
Chef Fergus Henderson (who’ll be bringing his schtick to Melbourne soon for a winter food festival) made his name feeding us tripe. Yep, he’s the man who made pigs’ arse holes posh. So poo should not be something we are shy in dealing with.
I can still remember my first coffee in Hanoi, made with one of those tiny drip filters. It was very dark and strong and chocolately. The weasel is stronger, better toned with the addition of condensed milk. J reckons it’s horrible but my coffee obsessed neighbour still raves about it.
That I don’t buy coffee granules will be no surprise to anyone familiar with my views on tea bags. It does, however, surprises tradesmen (aside from my fleur de lis monogrammed velvet slippers) who also have to put up with home made vanilla-flavoured sugar in their coffee.
I never thought myself as a coffee fascist and I can live without the drop. But when I drink it I want it to have flavour and bite. Being a late morning person coffee is the drug I choose as a morning kick-start.
In my early days as a journalist we had strong drip coffee, usually from a pre-ground vacuum-packed container. By late afternoon the coffee was approaching the consistency of treacle and only a filter less Galois bummed from a colleague could cut through the taste.
It was around that time I discovered the concept of cappuccino and espresso on Wardour and Old Compton Streets and around. These Italian variations of coffee sufficed for nearly ten years (alongside the occasional shot of Greek – or Turkish, depending on your politics).
At the last count I had seven coffee makers at home. There’s the very old octagonal espresso machine, you know the ones. There’s the cheap home espresso machine that makes a perfectly decent drop, the plunger, two Greek coffee and stainless steel drippers picked up in Vietnam.
I bought the last two in Saigon at the Ben Thahn Market because I became obsessed with Vietnamese coffee. The first cup I drank(in Hanoi) was very dark and chocolately and soon, with condensed milk added too, I was hooked.
I know I have said this about the food but the cheaper the joint in Vietnam, the better the coffee. Visit a European style hotel and they will try and palm off European style coffee, which is a great shame. (although it is better than Africa where anything other than Nescafé is impossible to find).
Using a Viet-style dripper is fairly similar to an espresso machine. The important thing is that the coffee should be tamped to give it a smooth surface. Any break will mean water will leach through without grabbing enough of the flavours.
On special days I add sickly sweet condensed milk. Home brand seem to do well although it does come in a tin rather than a tube. While the tube seems convenient it is difficult to squeeze from straight out the fridge.
The tin, however, one opened jizzed (actually this spill is what I understand some of my comment spammers refer to as bukkake) all over the worktop. The sticky stuff is really, um, sticky and somehow I did get some in my hair.
I keep my condensed milk in a jam jar in the fridge. Each morning I go through the jizz ritual before relaxing into that deep poo aroma. I’m that relaxed that I may even invite a medium-sized dog up to lick up the mess. That’s the condensed milk, if you’d forgotten.

Popularity: 14% [?]

Just warming-up the new Ricoh for Andrew at Spittoon Extra’s breakfast meme. Saturday morning at ikea. I was ready to be apaled. Two sausages, two hash browns, bacon (I avoided the spongy looking scrambled egg), tomato and beans plus an orange juice and a pretty good long black for AUD6. That’s about £2.50. And it was better than many hotels I’ve stayed in. I’m impressed.

Let’s not forget the flat white. Delicious but sloppy with dribbles down the side of both our cups.

food and drink food meme
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Popularity: 6% [?]

You can actually make a coffee that’s as good as you’d get in a cafe. All you need is the right tools and a bit of know-how.Commercial machines cost about A$6000 and are plumbed in. Don’t stress, you can pick-up home machines a for a lot less. Lavazza also runs an intense three-hour class that’ll teach you how to tweak all the various knobs properly. A final word of advice too: either buy a good grinder with steel burrs or have the java ground at your local store. Continue Reading

Popularity: 8% [?]

The Tomato team trawled Melbourne for great coffee, or at least great places to drink coffee. Add your comments and the places you like below. Continue Reading

Popularity: 8% [?]

In the early 1990s things got really bad for coffee growers. Market prices rock-bottomed for the bean. It cost more to grow than the market would pay.Growers pulled their children out of school to work, forests were cleared to put in more coffee trees and labourers lost their jobs. That’s where The Fairtrade Foundation, a non-profit organisation set up in 1992 by groups including Oxfam, jumped in.The aim was to ensure that Third World farmers got a fair deal when trading with richer countries. Continue Reading

Popularity: 9% [?]