The really bad news is that the posse is falling apart. My favourite pole dancer is leaving town. I can only console myself with her leaving celebrations on Sunday, possibly followed by a return to 1806, a classy new arrival on the bar scene despite its Dracula theatre restaurant and backpacker bar roots.
I’ve been challenged to drink the menu at 1806 by the posse.
Draped in red velvet and with what I presume are crystal chandeliers it pays homage to the year the cocktail was defined, 1806 and takes its evolution forward to the present.
The original 1806 cocktail is the Bittered Sling, which comes in a glass which approximates in shape to Marie Antoinettes breast which by today’s standards is quite small but tastes very good. (I didn’t say that very weel - I meant the coktail tastes very good andcanot comment of the breasts or royalty) The posse last week tried a refreshing Raspberry Fizz and creamy Angels Milk.

Anyway, they are egging me on to drink the whole menu from start to finish. All I want to do is slump back into the comfortable sofa and read the bar menu which takes one on an entertaining but boozy journey forward to the present from 1806.
“It’ll make a great series of blog posts they say,” envisioning me being able to conjure the magic that Fraser Lewry provides with his Animal Alphabet.
In reality my liver won’t stand it. I probably can’t afford the dry cleaning. And I certainly can’t afford the bar bill.
But Sunday night I’ll be there attempting the Mint Julep from 1816 and possibly the Rum Shrub from 1826. That will leave 182 years which thankfully is only 33 drinks, 31 if I count what the posse drank the other night.
The brains behind the booze Sebastian Raeburn promises some new molecular mixology, which could set me back a few drinks.
Will anyone out there help me?

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A home made steak and kidney pie sits upon an island of mashed potato stranded in a sea of peas drowning in brown gravy at The Hotel Lincoln (91 Cardigan Street +61 3 9347 4666).

What more do you want to celebrate the cold, wet squalls on the eve of the winter solstace? Well, a log fire, possible some beer – stout I guess – and plenty of red wine.

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The empty Hendrick’s bottle at Madame Brussels

All we could find were empty bottles on dusty shelves.
Quite possibly I drank the last drop of Hendrick’s Gin in Melbourne at Madame Brussels (Level 3, 59-63 Bourke St, Melbourne, Victoria +61 3 9662 2775) the other night.
Owner Vernon Chalker kindly had his last drop – about a third of a shot – mixed into an exquisite Martini.
We’d trawled the whole of Melbourne for the stuff. Alex at Ginger (272 Brunswick Street Fitzroy +613 9419 8058) took my number in case should found any. We were forced to slum it with Miller’s Gin, which to be quite honest isn’t too onerous. And, oh God, on to The Gin Palace (90 Little Collins St entry off Russell Pl +61 9654 0533) and to this place with a stuffed osterich that seems to be open all night but is run by anti-camera fascists.
The quest took me to Australia’s foremost expert on fancy hard spirits Franz Scheurer of the Australian Gourmet Pages.
He tells me that the only way to find the stuff is through grey imports. He says: “You are right, basically every bar person’s friend is asked to bring a couple of bottles in from overseas. There is an opportunity here for a specialist importer.”
Then he comes back to me that Graham Wright from The Odd Whisky Coy in Adelaide is bringing the stuff into the country.
Graham tells me that his next shipment is in April. In the meantime he says the strangely opulent Baroq House (9-13 Drewery Lane +61 3 8080 5680) has a supply.
Jack from Hendrick’s in the UK tells me: “I’m afraid we do not yet market Hendricks in Australia. As you may be aware, we launched the brand in duty free shops last year. However, we will release some product in the next couple of months but currently we do not have any availability in Australia domestic nor can we supply online.”

Top Gins (with help from the raspberry flavoured Ros at Living to Eat!)

1. Hendrick’s
2. Miller’s Gin
3. Gordon’s Distillers Cut
4. Plymouth
5. Tanqueray
6. 42 Below South Gin
7. Bombay Sapphire
8. Gordon’s Ordinary London Gin
9. Other London Gins
Food fascist
1. Do not tolerate inferior gins
2. Switch to premium vodka if gin not available
3. Check out the range of pastis type stuff at Madame Brussels
4. ALWAYS drink responsibly
5. No cigarettes
6. Has anyone noticed how weird too much gin makes you feel compared to other spirits?
7. Has anybody else out there got Hendrick’s?

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With astroturfing being a theme among food bloggers over the past week or so, it’s time I took you to a brothel. Sorry, not brothel but Madame Brussels, a bar named after a famous brothel that operated in Melbourne in the late 1900s.
With its astroturfed, kitsch garden theme Madame Brussels (Level 3, 59-63 Bourke St, Melbourne +61 3 9662 2775) sits three floors up in a fairly dreadful office building with an entrance garnished with worn fawn carpet (and above a Japanese club that I am curious about).
Inside this oasis, I escape to what must be Melbourne’s best roof terrace for a crafty fag. Back inside, the Madame has an excellent selection of spirits. I taste three interesting pastis, although will their own subtle flavours.
Nothing fake here. Apart from the grass, of course.

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Four speeding fines, severe dyspepsia and stained trousers (on the groin, of course).To be honest I’m feeling a bit like a Wim Delvoye artwork. I mean a cloaca machine, not a tattooed pig.
Such is the life of someone who agree to become one of the taste police and review 27 pub restaurants and cellar doors in the six weeks up to 13 August.
At least I didn’t have to visit over 60 joints, as one of my colleagues did in judging the Telstra Countrywide Golden Plate Awards 2006 for the Geelong Otway and the Mornington Peninsula regions.
Still, each review required a two to three hour round trip, the supercharged engine tempting my clumping great foot. Some 50 hours in the car and 40 hours at the table, was subtracted from food blogging, dog walking, swimming and my own extracurricular food activities (remember I never mention sex).
Hence, a new (expanded) wardrobe, which thanks to multiple speeding fines I could ill (and I nearly was) afford.
The way the awards work is that each nominee pays to enter the competition, mainly to cover administrative costs. For that they get a "nominated" sticker in their window and a judge visits unannounced. Over 40 criteria are reviewed, ranging from the quality of the food, wine and coffee to the decor and the cleanliness of the bog.
The venue gets useful feedback from, in theory, my critique although it is difficult to say much about middle of the road, food, drink and service. It is much easier to praise the excellent or attack the bad.
Next week the finalists are announced and then I can write about the specifics of my experiences. And then it is up to local food critic Stephen Downes, to visit each finalist.
Anyway, I’m back. And I’m looking for elasticised trousers.

BTW, if this post looks weird it is because I’m using a desktop blogging client, Qumana, for the first time. Text wraps and leading may be all weird until I set up the thing properly.

Tags: Taste police, restaurant reviews, Geelong, Otway, Mornington Peninsula, Trousers

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Contrary to my expectations banana vodka, served in a beautiful cut crystal glass, is very good at Borsch, Vodka & Tears (173 Chapel St, Prahran +61 9530 2694)

But what is most special is the absinthe (aka the green fairy) ritual here. The liqueur is poured from an antique receptacle to a glass in which a spoonful of sugar is tipped. Then our waitress sets fire to it. It really is quite spectacular and I am told that, to date, none of the clientele have caught fire.

Food fascist

1. If you don’t want a hangover you should really avoid the green fairy

2. Ditto banana vodka (even Anthony Bourdain favours the premium brands. And he’s a man’s man – not gaythough our readers keep asking about that)

3. Your annoying boss may catch fire if doused with vodka prior to the fire ritual

4. Remember Bailey’s is really for children, also causes a really bad hangover and makes you fat.

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How much should you pay for wine? Or let’s put it this way: How much more than the cost of food should wine be?
In Melbourne the cost of a main course in a restaurant is fast catching up with the cost of wine. If I’m feeling poor I may spend $40 to $50 on a bottle in a restaurant. Feeling rich and I may double the figure. To put this into context in the kinds of restaurants where I’m spending these amounts, mains can cost $30 to $40.
So there I was in Vietnam hunched in the street on a small plastic stool the size of a potty. The food cost about $1.40 (15,000 Dong) a dish. The bottles beer – Tiger, Hanoi, Saigon, Larger – cost an equal amount.
When I could, I’d eat where Fresh Beer is sold. That’s a local made keg beer costing more like 20 cents (2,000-3,000 Dong) a glass. The great thing about it (in 25 degree heat and 80 per cent humidity) is that it is not as gassy or strong as bottled beer. But it’s cold and has bite and flavour. I think it’s a real winner.
But sometimes you just want something other than beer. Imported French, South African, South American or Australian wines cost $20 to $30. This was in restaurants where each serve may cost $3 or $4. It’s great fresh tasting flavoursome food but I couldn’t bring myself to paying a multiple of five or six for some pretty ordinary vino.
Nobody says anything good about Vietnamese wine made from grapes. They are experts at making their very strong almost vodka like rice wine. But grapes?
Everybody I spoen to about the wine assumed the wine would be very sweet and sugary. But it isn’t. We started drinking both the dry red and white Dalat ( a local hill station and honeymoon destination) for $6 or $7 a bottle.
It’s no grand cru. But they have made a reasonable stab at making an acceptable table wine, much in the genre of the French vin de table.
It is better served with food and matches well with those fresh lemongrass, mint/basil type flavours.
Remember you don’t have to drink Australian wine wherever you go.

FOOD FASCIST

How I should buy wine:
1. In bulk (obviously not in restaurants)
2. From boutique wineries
3. From local regions
4. The best at the cheapest price
5. From recommendations
6. Especially recommendations from the waiter.
7. From a local boutique bottle shop

How I really buy wine:
1. By the bottle
2. Because I like the label
3. Because it won loads of awards according to the label
4. Because it’s expensive
5. Because it’s from a big reliable winery (like McDonalds is a big reliable hamburger maker)
6. In a panic while we order food
7. From a massive chain.
8. Because it’s from Burgundy
9. To show off

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There’s something about those dark back alleys that get to me. My first taste for it was in Europe, the alleyways of ancient Italian towns. The south of France. And who can resist the pull of Barcelona’s Barri Gòtic.
And so it is with Melbourne a city that hides laneways off laneways, among jumbled warehouses built when the city was a Gold town.
Hosier Lane is probably one of the most interesting, covered with stencil art and filled with various light installations, including a couple that whoop at you when you pass.
It’s also the venue for Misty, one off those cool hole in the wall joints that Melbourne does so well.
It is easy to pass it off the place as too hip, but in reality it is just loud and open to the club who’ve found there way there.
The usual drinks, but check out the lights in the pic.

Next door is one of Melbourne’s best-known tapas bars, Movida (one Hosier Lane, Melbourne 3000 +61 3 9663-3038). And it is a great place to sit and eat some cold meats, overcooked prawns, manchego if you are at the bar. After all, that is what tapas is about.
It was about Spanish bars serving small snacks with customer’s drinks – remember nobody eats supper until after 10pm in Spain.
But now the concept of tapas has been hijacked by chefs who quite rightly realize the public likes to graze on a large number off small dishes.
They are taking the concept of hawker stalls to Asian food to meet this need. And I suppose if you’re really posh you’d call tapas a deconstructed degustion menu.
The problem with Movida is when you sit in the blond wood Ikea dining room. The Barri Gòtic this is not. A screen divides the room between the halves – in this case the bar dwellers – and the have nots, sitting down.
Our debate finally centred on whether Movida or Basque, (159 Chapel St, Windsor 3181 +61 3 9533 7044) make the best chocolate sauce for churros (Spanish donuts). Both come with a pot of chocolate, Movida’s slightly thinner than Basque’s.
And Basque somehow has hit the concept better. I’m not talking theme restaurant but somehow dark wood fits the bill. With four of us staggering our arrival through the evening it was ideal as we picked through the small dishes.
Finally, Lo Spuntino (56 Acland St St Kilda 3182 +61 3 9525 3940) is serving a decent churro too. The tapas is the usual and I find my self there regularly. It also has some impressive Spanish wines on the menu.

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Only four alcoholic drinks can be bought by each person. I didn’t persuade the crowd from toasting the All Blacks despite the raw sewage nectar served up to 50,000 at the Commonwealth Games Rugby 7s at the Telstra Dome.

Mistake #1 Buying a burger. I should have picked-up that crust I saw on the street. The food is overpriced and nasty here. Instead wait until a break and pop over to Mecca Bah (55a Newquay Promenade, Docklands +61 3 9642 1300). We feasted on Harissa marinated green olives, Kataifi pastry filled with Middle Eastern cheeses superb and pictured) Chickpea battered mussels w/ skordalia, Bastilla, Moroccan chicken pastries (dusted with cinnamon), Lamb meatball, baked with egg & spicy tomato sauce and much more. It’s an easy 5-minute walk. It is a shame that a world-class stadium is still serving the same old crap. BTW all the Aussies really wanted Fiji to win. Anyone but the Poms.

Mistake #2 None of the teams having anybody that could kick a bloody ball between the posts.

Mistake #3 Drinking Carlton mid strength beer. 24 hours later and the acrid taste lurks in the company of the mechanically reclaimed meat snagged in my cavities What annoyed me was that no Crown Lager was available, despite being a sponsor.
Much better to arrive near Midnight at the Rose (309 Bay St, Port Melbourne, Vic 3207
+61 3 9646 3580) and skull Stella followed by the best ever Absinthe I’ve ever tasted.

Mistake #4 Rum and coke. Allowing friends to drink Cougar and coke.

Mistake #5 Scrounging two cigarettes from Rose & Crown co-owner Chris Vafeas. But at least we got a table to see the Cat Empire (the band playing during the games’ opening) on 2 April. This pub is one of the best fish joints in town. If you haven’t already, try it.

Mistake #6 Not wearing my England’s Barmy Army rugby shirt as a counterpoint to faced painted Aussies and the Pommy bashers. Yes, an Englishman was punched in the face for cheering and English goal. I am an Australian citizen but find the unbridled nationalism of Aussie fans, the jingoistic chanting of “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie” a little much. There again we are a nation that only defines itself by sport. Could try harder.

Mistake #7 Arriving home 4am.

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